poetry critical

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through the perils of few and short years

through the perils of few and short years
i have realized the looming moon,
despite the sun, does not rise—
nor dance—or blink
yet sighs and sinks and sinks.

20 Oct 04

Rated 7.7 (7.6) by 5 users.
Active (5): 7, 7, 7, 9, 10
Inactive (14): 1, 5, 5, 5, 6, 6, 7, 7, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(4 users consider this poem a favorite)

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Wow! An instant favorite!
 — silly

hey, how come i can't write poems this good?
Oh yeah, its because of the tumor
 — shakes

marvelous and short
 — unknown

using poetic license liberally with the first three lines
 — unknown

Last unknown,
could you elaborate?
 — Rixes

If you know it is looming (and looming means: to come into sight indistinctly esp. threateningly), then would it not have 'risen' for you to see this? And furthermore,
for something to sink, it must have, at one time, risen...no? Now, I understand these are used as metaphors for "feelings" perhaps, but it is not a well thought out metaphor...it couldn't even be construed as a conceit because even a conceit has a certain concrete meaning however ludicrous. I will grant you it sounds pretty and the rhyming is good, but the meaning is lost.
 — unknown

I can't argue with your opinions,
but remember,
what you see when you look up
and what I see
can be two very
different things.

And I'm not exactly sure
about the "must rise
to sink" concept.
I immediately think
of sand.

- Rixes
 — unknown

wow.....this  is number 1 now- excelent
 — unknown

People like this because they can read it and understand it within 4 to 5 seconds. This does not necessarily mean it is fantastically earth-shatteringly wonderful. It isn't bad, per se, but it isn't the best I've read recently, either.
 — unknown

i dont know yea i like this cuz i can understand it pretty quick and i dont think it was meant to be all that deep y'know? its basically saying dont look that deep into things and thats why i like it. and i dont think anything is earth-shatterin wonderful because obviously the earth is still here
 — unknown

Um easy to read, but it didn't really make sense
 — Dr_Dong

 — eyeswideshut

I am indubitably confused as to why anyone would consider this good, please In my depth of heart I implore, explain to me how it is great as opposed to not?
 — unknown

the epitome of short and sweet
 — unknown

"I am indubitably confused as to why anyone would consider this good, please In my depth of heart I implore, explain to me how it is great as opposed to not?"

Wow, I wonder
who this might be?
Hmm o' Inchrory?
 — Rixes

definatley amazing
 — tragicbubble

No idea why, but I love this poem.
 — saturated

Although it is really, really simple, I love the imagery.
 — Dead

looms subtle
 — unknown

I like that it is brief. Needs Rhyme. Don't like the ending.
 — LivingLies

It -does- rhyme, lies. oO;
 — Rixes

I'm thinking that line 1 may convey two meanings: the perspective of a young person, and (shorter) years as counted by cycles of the moon.

And then: the sun gives the moon light, but that's all, and it will get very dark before we have light once more.
 — housepoppy

wow! this is amazing...very insiteful! deffinatly a favorite!
 — just_me

interesting, depressing but with an upbeat rythem. very nice job.
 — SweetPain

beautifully sensate, images aplenty, this has somewhat of a subtle feel to it, one that makes you "sign and sink and sink."  One thing, I would try to strengthen the illiterations by finding another words starting with "s" to put in line 5.  If I am being too picky and too anal, I apologize.  I really like this.
Thank you for the taste
 — slancho

i love this i do

therefore i love you too

please screw me hard

 — unknown

wow i really like this one
 — ebronson

wonderful poem.
did you find it necessary to repeat the title as the first line?

also the distance between the two 'f' sounds in the first line [between of and few], might be too short.

 — unknown

would it be a good suggestion to add another 'and sinks' in the same line?

 — unknown

whether this actually happens objectively would be interesting. of course as a subjective perception it is nice.

a better poem would combine the 2.
 — unknown

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