poetry critical

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Iteration of one and one
ShelbyS

It's a glorious testament to fate;
 1
a brilliant multitude of colored blocks
 2
falling where they will.
 3
 
 
Tell me:
 4
Would Rome have fallen if they were as blessed
 5
as the two of you are now?
 6
 
 
There is a wondrous feeling
 7
that few will know and that
 8
most will only ascertain to reach.
 9
 
 
I speak of this graceful dance,
 10
two-step to the mightiest of beats.
 11
 
 
It inspires countless poets, can
 12
mount the most beautiful contemplations.
 13
 
 
It can bring the most vile of hate to its
 14
knees with the slightest of breaths.
 15
 
 
Two lovers join hands in understanding of
 16
love and life, so that together they may watch
 17
the sun rise to meet their needs forever
 18
and
 19
ever.
 20
 
 
Such reality is,
 21
above all else,
 22
perfection.
 23
 
 
I wish you infinity.
 24
I wish you a story of devotion that will never die.
 25
 
 
I wish you love.
 26

for Sam, lovingly as to all brother (and sister) poets. May your married days be beautiful and eternal. I hope you enjoy it.

26 Sep 04

Rated 5 (7.4) by 2 users.
Active (2): 1, 9
Inactive (10): 1, 2, 7, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(42 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)
erryl
gracque
orange



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Comments:

Frickin amazing...One of the best I've read on PC in a while. I dunno what else to say...Awesome job man, keep up the good work. And before anyone says something about L16, it is NOT a spelling error. Look it up. :-P

-DK
 — unknown

I really love this. I can't be specific right now, but I think you've done an excellent job here.
 — unknown

shelby your a gret writer, and i enjoy reading your stuff, i wish you the best and hopefully you can publish all of this in a book.

-jen
 — unknown

Wasn't logged in before so I couldn't give a rating...I give thee, the mighty 10! I don't just hand those out either...you've earned it bro.
 — Davezilla

mightiest used twice within such close proximity seems redundant. i don't like the spacing in l12 (with can). still a nice poem overall. the compleat threw me off, but the other comments seem to clarify that. i like l21-23. i don't like the title, it seems too cut and dry. perhaps subsitute mightiest in 14 with greatest. this is a good poem, especially in comparison to SOME of the recent ones (last 24 hours shall we say?) but not quite deserving of a 10. perhaps a 7.9.
 — unknown

thanks everyone.
 — ShelbyS

|16... "complete"

this is very good, |12-15 especially.

very nice work.
 — AEOS

Gordon my man...did you not read the other comments? L16 IS NOT A SPELLING ERROR!!! haha. :-P Observation skillz bro... ;-)
 — unknown

i can see how this would be a joy to read for Sam,
or a nice thing to read as a toast at a wedding or something along those lines,
but to me, it reads very dryly with ideas that are expressed with
very typical articulation.
i like a lot of your other shit though...
 — Vonnegutman

I wish the divorce rate in America wasnt so high and gay people could get married.
 — InMyBlood

alas, Vonnegutman, I did the best I could. bit out of my element though, this is true.
 — ShelbyS

i really like the last three lines, but i love line 24- that captures it best for me
 — unknown

gr that was me
 — stilltime

9 ascertain? it don't make sense to me
14 hates plural? or drop the of?
16 eww compleat/quintessential whatever you want it to mean,
is ugly

err can i not love this?
i mean i like the title
and that you talked about knees
*stares at the ceiling*
sam'll love it
that'll be what's important
 — kaleidazcope

Ok, here goes.  There is some beautiful sentiment here, but I have to agree with some of the commenters that this is not my favorite work of yours. Beautiful imagery and comparison in the beginning. By line 6 it is clear that this poem is about love, so it is unnecessary (and therefore a little cheesey seeming, in my opinion) to spell it out so plainly for us in 7-11.  Lines 8,9, and 11 could be reworked nicely to say what you want to convey without slapping us in the face with the L word so soon. Line 13 confused me as I am not certain how someone could mount a contemplation (unless in a frame on a wall). I agree with the others that compleat in line 16 is distracting. Lines 21-26 are rather nicely done. It does bother me a little that in line 6 you address the couple directly, but spend the rest of the poem speaking about them in third person.  Some good ideas here.  The couple will love this...
 — akiikii

I appreciate it, I will try to edit it when I have more time.
 — ShelbyS

I read this a long time ago.  Anyway, wanted to let you know I thought it was so good, I almost wanted to read it as the best man's toast at a friends' wedding but decided it would be to obtuse for most of the people.  But I thought of this.  Thanks for writing it.
 — root

glad you enjoyed it, Root.
 — ShelbyS

revis ed.
 — ShelbyS

thankyou for the two, whoever threw that out of their arse. mature.
 — ShelbyS

okay, Im really fuckin tired of random ones and twos. grow some balls and stand behind your false ratings.
 — ShelbyS

Taketh that, onesters!!

Poetry God (currently on duty. Shift scheduled to end at 2330 hours GMT)
 — unknown

thankyou Poe-a-Triglia.
 — ShelbyS

ShelbyS I have no respect for you, but this poem is one of my fav's. Great write.
 — orange

Id find it strange if you did have respect for me, as Ive never met you in my life.

thankyou either way.
 — ShelbyS

Shelby I love you and I've never met you. Surprised?
 — unknown

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