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Today -revised
choyer

Today I watched you slip away,  
 1
my love you took away.
 2
 
 
I watched as I realized  
 3
You're the one,  
 4
the only one I ever truly loved.  
 5
    
 6
Today I left my heart behind,  
 7
the love it still holds for you  
 8
betrayed my love for someone new.  
 9
    
 10
My heart was left, torn in two,  
 11
All of this because of you.  
 12
    
 13
A few years down the line,  
 14
I will journey back in time,  
 15
seaching for the shards you left behind.  
 16
    
 17
I'll gather all that I can,    
 18
replace each piece with tender care.  
 19
    
 20
And yet my masterpiece,  
 21
will remain incomplete.
 22

I am not too sure about the end.  I would love to hear what all of you have to say.

15 Sep 04

Rated 3 (3) by 1 users.
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Comments:

I need some help on this.  Any suggestions?
 — choyer

start again?

that's rude, but it's how i feel

but if you don't like that advice

the repitition of piece isn't softened by appending master to it the second time
and
say love less, or not at all
and
don't use rhyme
so you don't get constricted by what you actually want to say
and
spell piece, piece not peice
and
come up with a better title
 — kaleidazcope

Feel it so

I can feel you too.

Cause i'm left

out to dry here.

Show me.
 — noodleman

you havent used your creativity at all here... the poem is floating only because of minute feelings here and there.
line 2 is lame,
line 3 'I realized as I watched'

line 19 'replace' is not the word you should be looking for.

the poem needs a complete makeover... loads of cliched lines which you need to avoid.

Use metaphors, similes, etc. its all free my dear... (i m not rating this)
 — trochee

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