| fuck art (and spam) |
thirdeyris
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I am
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sitting here again
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alone
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on the patio
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of the loudest bar in town
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on saturday night.
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all I can think of
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is how beautiful people say I am
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or how intimidating my intelligence is
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I'm wondering why I’m still sitting here
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completely fucking alone.
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my cigarette butts are collecting on the table
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because the waiter hasn’t noticed me yet
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hasn’t brought an ashtray yet
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“to create art means
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to be crazy alone
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forever.”
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hey Chinaski-
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you prophetic motherfucker
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I know what you mean.
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I should have met you
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smoked a cigarette with you
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we could have
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ignored each others beauty
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together.
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9 Sep 04 |
Rated 8.1 (7.8) by 66 users.
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(29 more poems by this author)
(118 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
haha.. i dont know why. but i like this poem. im sorry i cant comment on it. i especially liked lines 18-24. i was hoping to be able to read other works from u
— lilminx506
haha.. im so blur.. i didnt see ur name below ur title. =)
— lilminx506
It's probably hubris that leaves you smoking alone.
— SimpleMind
Thats excelent- great flow, and ballsy
— shakes
The image you created here is simply exquisite. Very visual, very vivid. Flow? Good.
Just a little spot to clean up:
your "i's". Since You capitalized the i a couple of times already, why not keep the consistency? Plus, keeping them in lowercase is still rather distracting.
Keep up the good work.
— lin12342
Wow, thanks for the comments.
simplemind, yeah, it may have been my pride. I didn't see how talking about who got a boob job or who fucked who was better than being alone, thinking and reflecting and making my life more meaningful.
— thirdeyris
take the space out of motherfucker in |19, and end that line with a comma. semicolon the end of |21 and in |23 put an apostrophe in each other's.
capitalize the necessary words, if not the beginning of each sentence then at least the 'I's, and maybe the title, then you have something really good.
i like this.
— AEOS
I'm TOTALLY in the middle of a poem about that same quote. I <3 Charles Bukowski. We'll see how mine comes out... It's a wonderful theme...
— omega
in line 23, should "others" be "other's"? I'm not too sure about that one, it just seems to me that it should be that way. Also, I'd like to see "beauty" and "together" (line 24) on seperate lines.
Very good poem, well written, and I really enjoyed it!
— manstrut
Or maybe move 'beauty' up to line 23 and give together its own line...
— manstrut
hmm, I don't know about the last line. If it's all together, it's too long.
If I split it like this, well, is it alright? Let me know :)
— thirdeyris
love it much. t he last stanza.......tres chouette!!! faites cela encore!
— stainedsteal
I like it very much. It feels very natural and immediate. Thank you.
— smugzy
Its so bitter its beautiful. I love the title. Plain yet it says all. If you want to do the grammar you can but i think it stands well as it is.
— InMyBlood
your a really good writer. i hope u dont feel the way u have expressed but if u do.. u express it beautifuly and im sorry if u dont like ur life
— meghanmidget
Bukowskarific.
— ShelbyS
Put the apostrophe in "other's" in l24.
This feels like a blog a hell of a lot more than a poem (I suppose it's appropriate that you say in your profile that you're not a poet, but 'blog to an abnormal heart beat').
It's not that it's badly written or anything, it has its own type of charm; it's just that it doesn't feel like there is much point in separating it. Hubris really does carry over from the voice of this; not so much that of the narrator's avoidance as that of the narrator giving such a self-important air that other people avoid the narrator. The concept of 'art' gets randomly thrown in without any real purpose for the piece, save it's brought up in the quote. There is no indication of art in the narrator's life at all, though; intelligence and beauty are mentioned from an exterior perspective but all we get from that voice is, "I'm cockily engaged with myself." That makes me irritated with the title, because it gives art this great precedence without saying anything about it, and negates it solely for the purpose of cocksureness. That is also why I say it's more like a blog than a poem, because it supposes other unmentioned qualities of the speaker that the reader is evidentally just supposed to know. This is just a photograph of a person with a bunch of butted-out cigarettes and an expression halfway between boredom and disdain. More is needed (not in this piece, because I don't think anything could really be done with this piece, but in future pieces).
— semaj
i really, really like this.
— shakeit
nice poem.
— hank
pretentious, yes - but also worthy of such self-centeredness.
— camiSOUL
I love lines 23-25. Pure genius.
— AtomBombJohn
awesome. thanks.
— thirdeyris
god i love this poem
— omega
very emotional and aggressive - you must`ve been very "loaded" when you wrote this!
it works, i like
eGemen a.k.a nekst2u
— unknown
I love the atmosphere of this poem. Sounds exactly like sitting bored in a bar and not conversing.
— unknown
That's great. Defines perfectly what it is to be an artist.
— unknown
I see why this is on so many people's favorites list.
— FangzOfFire
brillant, reminds meof me
— tragicbubble
The self consciousness trumps the loneliness and the body isn't pissy enough to justify the title.
— hogrot
thats really clever, plus i understand the point of it quite well.
— imahabit
One of my favorites.
— Dead
fuck art is what I say to, live life, create a mess and let the pieces fall where they may. this piece reminds me of ME to! however, we are both on this planet at the same moment, so lets say we meet, have that cigarette, and fuck art! keep the words flowing sweets! ~b~
— unknown
Hey, other people say you're beautiful and possess intimidating intellegence, you're just using what they say. False modesty has no place in poetry does it?
I'll bet CB would have loved you.
The ending is right on.
— housepoppy
Heh, I love the reference to Bukowski, although I'm quite sick of his work, every once in awhile I read him to fill my fix. :)
— jessi
I love this poem! I especially love lines 12-14 and 23-25 - they were very poweful. I enjoyed it anyway.
— unknown
I really know what you mean, and something about this poem- I love it.
— Cloudless
That is money. FOR REAL. way to be real.
— themolly
i like it, it's just fun agnst filled story telling
— infinity
I keep reading this poem and it keeps getting better. Still a 10.
— FangzOfFire
beautiful.
— unknown
TOTALY FUCKING AWESOME!!!......I LOVE THIS POEM!!
— crazy
aside from lines 20/21 and the title, i quite enjoyed how impressed the writer is/was with himself. i've had this conversation with people before. they've saud 'people don't talk to me, because my(intelligence/beauty/artistic abilitis/eccentricites)intimidate them. my answer is 'perhaps if you just shut the fuck up, and stop talking about your self people wouldn't find you so goddamned irritating and hang out with you." of course your alone, you should be when your with the one you love the most!
i hope that my rant wasn't taken as an insult. as i read this piece as kind of tongue in cheekiness, that you are making fun of people who think this way about themselves. or perhaps i am giving you to much credit.
as it stands, this is a poem that requires reading, and re-reading and no matter what you were going for you have created something thought provoking and i tip my hat to you sir(or ma'am) and giver you the "@!"
— onklcrispy
I like it, I'm not sure why.
Maybe, because you're an arrogant asshole.
That's not always a bad thing though, so don't take offense to that.
8
— lieskilllies
I like how you took the time to post so many + comments about your own poem. I think if you put more than three minutes of time into writting it then you wasted another precious moment of your pathetic life, but hey I am totally joking and I loved your poem, I have a knack for run-on sentences and really do think you have some tallent and would like to publish you in my "New Author" edition of Rising Stars of Contemporary Poetry coming out this fall and I would love to meet you in person to shove your poem up your ass because it really does suck and I just got your hopes up you pathetic excuss of an author...by the way the best part of you rolled down your mothers crack and ended up as a stain on the matress...ps just kidding the poem was pure gold,,,not.
— unknown
"We could have ignored each others beauty together"... this sounds farmiliar, but I don't think the word was beauty. I dont' know, maybe I just like it so much I wish I hade written it. I like this poem. Good job. (Don't you just hate it when you have no where to put your butts? )
— CantTell
I like the flow of this poem
— Darkfollower
hey samaj you write to fuckin much oh and good peom loved it
— unknown
i keep reading this, and its fucking awesome....i think ill remeber this one forever...its so fucking good!!!
— crazy
so realistic, a lil to much to be a poem.
— divinity
but it;s good.
— divinity
could use a bit more empahsis on some parts...
— unknown
with all these multifaceted, multifarious comments and crits.....
I could use some better ratings. Pssha.
— thirdeyris
i COMPLETELY "FEEL" THIS POEM ON SO MANY LEVELS..I REALLY REALLY LIKE IT!
— boyboy
I was thinking oh its ok, then got to the quote, I thought oh nice, this is good.
And then the last two lines, speechless I am, they really hit home. Im sorry I dont know what to say as critique.
— MFine
I saw a quote once written on a chalkboard that changed my life forever. It was my English teacher when I was a junior, he posted quotes every day, and the ones I liked I scrawled on my notebook.
The most profound to me seems very appropriate here...
"To be great is to be misunderstood"
&nb sp; -Ralph Waldo Emerson
(It has become a private anthem for me... and now I share.)
— duffyj83
Great poem which captures fag end thoughts at the fag end of the day. Thank god there is always tomorrow
— larrylark
very nice
— hearmyheart
absolutely fucking brilliant!!!!
— unknown
it has some decent imagery (doesn't flow very well, but the images are good), but the real kicker is the last 3 lines, where it sums everything up and gives it a nice little twist.
this is good as a whole. i give it an 8.
— mould_jesus
that was one awesome freaking poem...
— beyondme
i feel like you wrote this for me and i don't know you.
hey what's up?
awesome poem.
— beckeyleigh
hey becky, that's nice.
i don't swing that way.
i like boys like most poet girls do.
but thanks, i'm glad you liked it!
— thirdeyris
This has a nauty title!!!
— unknown
only in your mind. want a dictionary?
— thirdeyris
I liked the poem, especially the reference to Chinaski.
— LolaMonroe
haha, it's differnet. I like it (:
— LoserXcore
wow. VERY nice! :)
— unknown
good, good, good
— infinity
guuuuuurrrrrrdddddd shit ~ keep up da guuuud work my buddin poet xxx
— unknown
I have ignored this for months, passed it every single time I've seen the name and having now read it, I am kicking my own butt.
Nice, clear, crisp.
— Isabelle5
No offense, from this poem you really seem self-centered and like you're narcissist or something.
— unknown
You didn't think it might be intentional? Did you read any other comments? Yours isn't original.
I am vain. :)
— thirdeyris
and thanks Isabelle!
— thirdeyris
You just love yourself, don't you.
— unknown
yeah, cause i'm an artist...
&n bsp; ...and that makes me one ignorant unworthy bitch in the world of compassion.
doesn't it?
— thirdeyris
wow---i LOVE this poem!! especially lines 18-25...great job!!!
added to my favorites!
— woman_power
amazing.
— divinity
charming. A plus. A plus.
— smetric
This piece has alot of force in it. It tells a good story. I enjoyed it.
— SirSkankAlot
i really like this poem. i dont know what it is about it, but i understand it, and its great.
— untouchable
Man.. so good.
— midare
Great poem. Who cares if thirdeyris is self centered? Yeah, I rather not be with people than be with stupid people, duh. It's jagged and honest. Great job.
— unknown
I love this poem...it's a great character shot, if that makes sense. I believe separating beauty and together in the last lines is perfect, it highlights the speaker's desire for connection. Also, I usually get on to people about imagery when it's vague, but the first stanza, with it's seeming ambiguity, put me in Atlanta's loudest bar - image achieved. It's great, love it!
— angelyn
"I know what you mean."
I seriously doubt that , still, excellent poem.
— Wix
might want to work on the line breaks.
— unknown
I like this one!!!!!!
— HeidiHo
line breaks? where the hell did that comment come from?!
— thirdeyris
consider yourself lucky that your pretty, I get the "your so intelligent and artistic, you just need to take more pride in your looks" translation "your a butt ugly geek"
— unknown
this makes me very happy. very happy indeed.
— existential
Intelligent... clever... easy to understand and read... a tad negative... still very likeable
(put a footnote giving credit to Chinaski credit for his words)
I gave it a 10... absolutely beautiful
— WillB
wow. comments to graciously accept...
— thirdeyris
[Comment removed by moderator.]
Woah. Bitch. I'm straight edge. I'm also a responsible mother and a massage therapist.
Go fuck your pretentious self.
xoxo
— thirdeyris
...and don't post anonymously if you're going to be an asshole :)
That's as cool as talking shit with a dick in your mouth.
— thirdeyris
why do ppl write such mean comments
if u dont liek the meaning of the poem then dont read it
thats pretty simple
numero uno la chota
— unknown
uhm. you fucked that one up didn't you? i wrote it. i wasn't talking shit about it. though i am more than just entitled to.
— thirdeyris
yea i realized that after i wrote it
my bad
— unknown
:) I'll forgive you when you fix your rating.. hahaaa...
— thirdeyris
its really really good, im a fan, reminds me of guinnsberg
— unknown
Alan Ginsberg? I'd be more thankful if I assumed you knew his work.
Thanks for your nice comment.
— thirdeyris
themolly...I just wanted to personally thank you for your mindless bashings on my poems. It really reconfirms my confidence and talent when I recieve hate from people that are completely beligerant with arrogance from thier poetry. I would like to actually bow to you, and take my seat behind your royalty, kiss your ass, and then piss on your "work". Thank you for the opportunity to be graced with your "Greatness". And for the record, I had respect for your talent. HAD.
— madderhatter
And at least you had the balls to leave your name.
— madderhatter
wait.. you're leaving a shitty vengeful comment on my page for.. themolly?
How does that work? I'm not themolly.
— thirdeyris
my appologies, my dumb ass friend, accidentally pasted that, on your page, not the intended one.
— madderhatter
now i understand how well you write in this poem. I just learn how to write in my poem with connecting to my feeling and something like that. I truly like this poem. It is kind of real feeling about fucking alone and etc. However, can you tell the reader more about what the fuck art is?.
— Jerry
haha.. its great.
— blinx
Jerry, you're an idiot.
"to create art means to be crazy alone forever"
well, my reply is "fuck art".
Mad, thanks. :)
— thirdeyris
fucking drivel, that's all this is. Psuedo intellectual bullshit, syntaxy droppings, if you wish to quote Salinger. You whore, you bastard of prose, you son of nothing- stab yourself in the genitals before you infect the rest of our putrid race. Don't forget to wipe up the ink.
— JohnnyX
HAHAHAH johnny. ouch.
— ramher
Crude. Thanks :)
— thirdeyris
raw and funny. it seems appropos you would be talking to bukowski-- one bar stool turned to a ghostly one still spinning. i very much enjoyed.-
k
— pghpoet
I love it! It breaks down boundaries for me, Ireally don't care who calls it what , you like it or you don't; for me at teh end of a long day it was refreshing the way that you said "hey Chinaski- you prophetic motherfucker" and especially I should have met you /smoked a cigarette with you/ we could have / ignored eachothers beauty /together" The last stanxa that's what makes the poem really great!
— unknown
Still love this. Still a 10 and a fav for many!
— themolly
aren't you sweet?
now where are the rest of my 10's? damnit
— thirdeyris
amazing. the flow isgreat. and its simple but give a specific feel. i like it!
— taintedtears
ps , not that it matters but I am the last unkown. - the title works also
— Riverwriter2
real nice poem
-varun-
— unknown
great words. L23-25 finish fresh. I'm a fan.
— electricvish
pure honest TRUTH - it is not pretentious as someone said - it is a fact of the creative world
— unknown
exactly how i feel.
— dismantleme
oh so good.
— MywrdsRmyAiR
good stuff
— crepaway
Love the Bukowski reference. I written many a poem in honor of that man. Nice poem, I like it!
— Emilily
i should have written this
— alana
awesome.
— electricity
Good stuff, keeps away from the usual pompous drivel that's served up.
One thing mind, it should be "eachother's beauty", keep in the possesive apostrophe
— unknown
bravo! On my list. A hard position to attain.
— Trish77
ya ya ya.. neat
— gingerdave
I like this poem a lot, except I don't like the "together" at the very end. Other than that - it's good.
— Erowen
Yeah fuck it - i wasnt going to give you more ego boost but - this is realy good. The ending is perfect.
— hopeStreet
jeepers this is great.
i would favorite it, but i can just look under any other user's favorite list to find it again!
— HandsomeHerb
I LIKKKKEEEEE
— unknown
I LOVE THIS. Reminds me of a bar in Boston on a rooftop that shows out on the entire Back Bay Skyline...also brings to mind a sad Sunday torch song being drowned out by a football game on t.v. L18-25...fuckin' ROCK. Beautiful. A 10 in my lonely book. Nice job.
— starr
Now if we could only get rid of these asshole unknowns who couldn't spell to save their lives...that's why they're all probably sitting angry at their computers wishing they could have done better than work at Burger King cleaning johns, but instead they have to tear up poems, of all things. Why not just blow somethin' up (like everyone else is doin') and get it out of your system...mothafuckas.
— starr
this here's pretty (10)
— FrayedSkirt
Great, feeling and expression.
— katt
HAHAHAHAHAHA......love it
— gingerdave
Fantastci! I don't think you're being vain at all. It's people telling you you're pretty and that you're too smart to be talked to that gets irritating.
— Eiranne
I still love this thing.
InMyBlood
— unknown
I love that this poem is still viewed and loved as much as it is. It was actually one of the first I read when I came to Poetry Critical over a year ago, under a different name. Still one of my favorites.
— mixtapeboy
completely fucking alone.on saturday night
to create art means 15
to be crazy alone 16
forever
a good excuse but its time you faced facts. your a hopeless loser
— TheYoungCrow
i sure as hell wouldnt hang with you
— TheYoungCrow
I still think it's garbage.
-Ramher
— unknown
Did this poem ever hit the top spot? IT SHOULD HAVE. I love it.
— starr
the last stanza is best
— sodapop
i think this poem is fine as it is.
it made me smile to myself, therfore, it does the job it was intended to do.
an all round good egg.
<3 dani x
— redbracelet
Who's this Young Crow boy?
Idiot.
Read the piece as a whole next time.
— thirdeyris
The second half of this is much better than the first - in my opinion the first is just full of self-pity and i hate that now, especially if it is in the top rated list.
wow - 64 faves, not bad for that but cldn't care really for the poem.
R
— Rousseau
i like this its simple
— idiotbox
i sometimes wonder if i'm from this planet. i don't seem to much care for the sort of poetry that almost everyone else goes bonkers over. truly puzzling. yes, this feels like disgruntled poetry. common enough stuff. don't see anything unique about it, such that it stands out and calls me to attention. it's just... a complaint. but what do i know. i just write pretty dreamy stuff that none of the mainstreamists much care for.
— Wingnuts
another hit for the masses. a nice read nothing special. reminds me of american idol.
— unknown
This poem hangs on the wall in my office. It's so incredibly well-written and striking...I'm so glad to see it reappear. Awesome work!
— starr
thats brilliant.
ps. it gets better, trust me, ive been there.
— unknown
Is 'Chinaski' you, or fictional?
Made me think of Hank Chinaski.
x
— musicwords
Yeah, it's Chinaski himself; the quote comes from Love Is A Dog From Hell.
— thirdeyris
I remember reading this before, so i may of already made a comment, but, if not all i can add/ say is this is Fucking awesome!
— kimado
i like this i think you should have ended it with "two lonely old fuckers"
but other wise great!
— TheHarlequin
Gosh this frustrates me. So many tens for a piece that isn't even that poetic. The reason it's garnered tens is because it hit a chord that resonates in the poetic community, and every community for that matter. Loneliness. If you talk to anyone for more than five minutes, they'll tell you how alone they feel all the time, especially those unmarried. It's not just artists or poets. This lacks basic punctuation consistency. It lacks really poetic language. It lacks any deeper meaning (save the stanza between lines 12 and 14. That one seems effective to me). I can't read this poem more than once and get new things from it. It's packed with hubris, and betrays a deep pride, that repels me rather than draws me in.
With a little work, this could be good. Have Chinaski actually come and sit with you. talk with him. Then realize you are still alone. Actually ignore his beauty. We are talking poetry here, so anything is possible. Have the waitress never notice you, remove the "yet". Chinaski could even sit and talk to himself and never glance in your direction. Fix the punctuation. grab the skin of what you're trying to say (and though I don't agree with it) it would be much more powerful. I don't knock your poetry man, it's a good attempt. I'm frustrated with all the tens this piece gets when it's far from perfect.
— unknown
shutup whiney unknown. sometimes simplicity is pleasing.
— unknown
I disagree, first unknown. It is ignorant to say that the subject of a poem cannot make it good. So it doesn't have any metaphors, similes, or bloody alliteration. Sometimes poetry is about nothing more than enjoy the way words make you feel. These words make so many people feel something. That, my friend, is a sucess.
x
— musicwords
Looking for a shallow art? Do you suffer from exasperated ego? If so please post more poems like this. C'mon man, this is pretentious linear egoist trite. Move away from your derision and you may start posting some "art"
— SolCarloman
Being shallow is an art on it's own. This was written with intentional ignorance.
It was made to show that general feeling most people get when they're misunderstood.
And you knwo what, most people felt something in it. It's unfortunate you didn't. You could learn a few things.
ps. i'm not "man". i'm not even A man.
— thirdeyris
it's not shallow enough, then.
— unknown
if you don't like your shit, change.
— Connery372
You say that like it's easy..
-An unknown observer.
— unknown
Where does it show I didn't like the situation?
— thirdeyris
One of my favorites.
— unknown
Sure it's hard, should you not try?
— Connery372
It's been a year and a half.
A bit has changed.
— thirdeyris
I wish 22 didn't end in "you"
Enjoyed. Favorite.
— WordsAndMe
l20 is another Bukowski reference?
— stateofmind
line 20? did you read it? it's not. read it again.
— thirdeyris
I really like this.
Especially lines 23-25.
— comicalLUST
reaaly great imaginary.
— lazyduck187
Well written and enjoyable good work
— xtormentedx
Wistful, contemplatative and places why special people are sometimes lonely at the forefront of WHY????
Amazing in its simplicity and poignantly heartfelt, and very cool.
Caducus
— unknown
Still lovin' it. It would be awesome to see this one go to the top. It's that deserving.
— starr
I'd forgotten this one, you are so right Starr. To the top with it. It's a 10.
— Meep
Definitely a 10, Meep. This chick can WRITE! I love her shit.
— starr
Oh Gosh - How did I miss this; it's fantastic!
— violet
Hey girl - I didn't realize I hadn't commented on this one yet. I love that you wrote this, and I'Ve sat on the same patio and felt the same way. Too bad I didn't write it. But you did, I fucking love it, and my ten is going to push you back up the Top Rated.
— Maela
Awesome piece.
— unknown
LIke tHiS!
— LaLa16
Among the best poems ever to grace Poetry Critical.
— mixtapeboy
Kind of indulgent.
— kite
What great comments...
thanks!
— thirdeyris
i am loving the charles bukowski reference as he is one of my favorites. i am loving your poem as well. ;)
— missmurder
All it needs is a comma after motherfucker. No other correction, though it may be grammatically "needed", just the comma. It just needs to be there.
However, that tiny flaw doesn't take even a milligram away from this poem. This is the absolute best piece on the entire site, in my opinion and many others'. In fact, I've shown this to about 7 people, and they all reacted the same as I did: How can someone actually think this up and write it down so perfectly?
I love it. Please, for the sake of poetry, keep up the good work. (10)
[Teo]
— teo_omega11
I love how people keep saying, "It's like you KNOW ME! This is so me." Hilarious.
It actually reminds me of someone I know, so there you go. Nice, it works so well, because it's apparently easy to relate to.
— unknown
Wonderful. Absolutly great. I'm going to make it 82 people who conisder this a favorite. =D
Enjoy being beautiful, and a kick-ass poet as well.
— MEB
each others beauty....should read.......each other's beauty
— griepd
actually, it should read "each others' beauty"
— nikkimint55
Slightly irked by the repetition of "yet" in L13-14.
— WordsAndMe
I thought maybe l20 was a reference to his poem Congrats, Chinaski. If not, well, then not. Lovely poem though. Can't fault it.
— stateofmind
How would you change the repitition of "yet"?
To me, it feels like that's where it belongs.
Of course the waiter will eventually notice me. It's a matter of time because 1. it's his job to notice and 2. i'm sitting at a table, sooner or later, he'll have to take my order or assist me somehow if not, a manager might notice.
As for each other- please notice the punctuation if the rest of the work.
This is intentional. :) This is written like it's spoken- not like a poem in specified prescribed form.
— thirdeyris
I wouldn't recommend getting rid of 'yet'. I actually like it there.
— stateofmind
thanks. i do too.
— thirdeyris
I went to the store
and bought some milk and bread.
Afterwards, I ate supper
and it was tasty.
This is juvenile.
— Fox
Bukowski?
— unknown
methinks some of those crazies who cream themselves reading this piece are registering false accounts to send it up the top rated list again.
this is mediocre. that it reflects the mentality of so many users of this site as evidenced by the ratings it receives is alarming.
— unknown
wow, what else can i say! it's really good.
— soccerangel
i dont really like it, but everyone else does, so congrats.
— atlanticaa
Great work thirdeyris.
Why in the name of Issach Brock did somebody post a poem for a comment? Did they forget that this is not the "submit a new poem" box we have all come to love?
P.S. - Did somebody say "Bukowski"?!
With love,
The Harlequin
— TheHarlequin
I think some dillhole mistook bukowski for ginsberg and then fucked it up.
This is my poem here. Not a space for people to post their own. What the fuck?
— thirdeyris
I like this poem alot..I can sorta relate...'cept i don't smoke.
— unknown
This Poem is NOT mediocre,...f****ing [email protected]*****
— unknown
oh! thanks for sticking up for me, "unknown".
— thirdeyris
nice poem. i enjoy it. it reminds me how fucked up the world is
— NathanSimms
all I can think of
7
is how beautiful people say I am
8
or how intimidating my intelligence is
It seems sloppy to end on 'am' and 'is'. For the last line you could maybe say... how my intelligence intimidates. How people speak of my beauty... etc etc.
my cigarette butts are collecting on the table
12
because the waiter hasn’t noticed me yet
13
hasn’t brought an ashtray yet
I'd kill 'yet' both times.
L19 seems out of place.
21-25 isgud.
(This is the first time I really looked at this poem as a work of art... not to say it is, but I gave it the benefit of the doubt ;) )
-ramher
— unknown
Stunning, burned to the soul. You nailed it! You're not the only one who feels this!
— luv2liv78
i like timequake better--what are you doing quoting vonnegut with no quotation marks?!
— basketpacker
if you want the word "others" in L24 to be possessive, then you need an apostrophe. if you do not, then tell me what it means--i want to understand.
— basketpacker
Very good. I've never heard of an exceptionally beautiful person not being noticed in a bar, but I guess its a metaphor for not being able to get close to people because you intimidate them in some way. If you took out lines 12-14 i would have it on my favourites list! latter half is especially great.
— icepineapple
this is very good. few poems can drop three f-bombs and still be effective, not overly vulgar. I like the tone and the message, and the Bukowski reference. a favorite.
— theair
fucking beautiful
— unknown
wait a minute- who quoted Vonnegut? Sorry I missed that one.
— thirdeyris
"one" and "time"
— unknown
not bad shit. good shit.
— unknown
One trait I have that I appreciate, is my ability to stay completely honest with myself. But this poem has put me in check, because I know I've sat alone, chain-smoking to get away from the crowd and I've sat recalling how other people view me and how it affects me, in a way that this poem puts so well....but I realize, of all the poems that I've produced in those times, never have I dared to address such a subject directly.
I commend you for your ability to express such a seemingly pretentious mindset in such a very real, humbling way.
And I apologize for such a wordy, poorly put together comment, I just can't seem to find a more simple way of phrasing my thoughts...hmm...it's a running theme for me, eh?
— Lexie
generic... capitalize when needed. better as prose than as a real poem. poems need a little more creativity. this felt like you just spit out what you thought with no care about how it would look or sound.
— unknown
I want to meet you. This poem makes me want to meet you.
I know that's weird, but that's how I feel when I read it.
— iamswanson
okay that's very interesting thoughts you have
— unknown
I like it. A bit dramatic. But, I like it.
— FemmeInLA
lol holly shit some many people rated this poem. it is dramatic but its nice. added to fav and rated (10)
— poetryguro
All those cigs
Metastasy
Eating you from the inside
I am your cancer
Your only friend
We will grow and die together.
— unknown
weird... kind of good but needs some work
— unknown
wow...i really don't know what to say but i truly enjoyed reading it.
i read it a few times in a row.
wow...lol
— Cherish
Thank you very much. I am humbled by your remarks about my poetry. I really like this piece that you have written. I especially like the last stanza. I am in an hurry, but I will read more of your work later. Take care.
— FemmeInLA
ha! That was fantastic ! And bloody orginal! Love it :P
— LuberLips
First stanza drags on too long.
— unknown
Love the ending.
— unknown
This is a really good poem. It just needs to be cleaned up a bit. Show some care for the punctuation and structure. This poem deserves it.
— j_pearl
ugh. I was totally put off by the pretentious tone of this poem. Putting himself with the company of Bukowski? The speaker seems like an art snob that is bitter because his talent (or lack of talent) hasn't been noticed.
I like the poem's rhythm and tone but I did not like the speaker of the poem.
— marshponds
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what?
— unknown
haha love the last stanza
— mejustme
the title is great art
the rest im very unsure about
— Mongrol
you really hates me huh?
well, i suppose i worked this piece right then. :)
— thirdeyris
awesome poem. the attitude in it kicked ass. also, i liked how you begun the piece. the lines were short but for the first time in a while that actually added a lot to the poem...it gave it a short, abrupt, edgy mood. orginial subject too. your ending was nice. although, i suggest that in line 14 you get rid of the 'yet' that is at the end of the line since it also is at the end of the previous line so it sounds repetitive. nonetheless nicely done. rock on.
— lanezfairy
23-25 make the whole poem worth it
— aurelius
amazing... one of the few 10 poems ive seen on here... i give it a 9 1/2, just kidding. 10
— Ellemnur
Freakin great.
— unknown
Hey you! I'm going to add the 4937539475 comment on your poem.
I love love love it!! You're a really, really good writer. :)
Thanks for showing me this site, I like it.
(Oh, by the way, to everyone who is calling her conceited...have you ever met her? She has a right to be.)
— Amandine
your words really add power to this poem. beautiful.
— jrnuzum
It's an intruiging poem, but it is the making of a great short story!
— Andreas
Grow up, motherfucker.
— unknown
As someone noted earlier, brilliant imagery. Love the ending.
— galtofkgp
I love this poem. You get a 10,
— Jillian
A good poem that expresses loneliness well. If this poem is true reflection of you and people find your intelligence intimidating, then you need to a be a kinder person. Humility has a wisdom beyond understanding.
— Giardina47
To me this is not poetry, merely a running commentary on frustration.
The first line is superfluous by reason of line seven.
In fact the whole poem is an irritating nonsense of bad grammar and needless repetition. One continues reading it with great reluctance
I would not give this a second glance in normal circumstances, and certainly consider it has no right to be in the top rated under any circumstance.
Mor.
— Mor
You know what I notice, Mor? You haven't posted any poems yourself. If you think you can do better than others, try it out.
But as to the poem, it's okay. Not spectacular, but not so horrible that I couldn't read the rest.
— Aziel
nice picture. I can really identify with this piece.
— Unbelievable
Great imagery. Love this piece!
— Vonche
doesnt sound particularly beautiful to me. In fact sounds like "i want to be an artist" kind of a person, with the turtle necks and the cheap tobacco and the poor grace etc. In a way you might have something with 15/17 but it shouldnt be crazy alone. Get off the fence and stand on either side. Thats why your intimidating: No-one understands where your loyalties are.
— SolCarloman
just re-read this and still find it poor writing and poor emulation
this reply isnt about hate or any energy giving the writer a credential of being an angry young street beat poet
it's about this poem being poor - this isn't great art or poetry - it's a copy of someone else's style of great art and peotry
— Mongrol
my cigarette butts are collecting on the table
12
because the waiter hasn’t noticed me yet
13
hasn’t brought an ashtray yet
You really should end line 12. The enjambment makes 12 and 13 confusing, it implies that yet is being used as a comparative...leading to the next line. If your using yet to mean "at the present time" then the thought is complete.
— unknown
The fact that this is favorite of 111 users and top rated for so many months tells me exactly why I get nowhere on this site. Obviously this type of poem is an acquired taste which I do not have.
— marieF
I think you should get over yourself and ask the waiter for a fucking ash tray. Did you get in there with a fake ID or something? Grow up.
— unknown
glad I could stir up your emotions.. even if they are absurd.
— thirdeyris
interesting
— Grimmiae
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the reformat works
— Mongrol
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It would be nice, if you wouldn't cuss so much. Cussing is for people who have no vocabulary. I know you want to get your point across about how down you feel, but there are better words for it. Once you change it, I will consider it a real poem, because it will have shown you have put actual work into it. You may have thought you worked hard, but it doesn't show when all you can talk about is drugs, and use nothing but 5-yr-old vocab. Any person can cuss, but not everyone can use words that put sound and imagery into them.
— mylifestyle
wow this poem turned into a billboard, how sad.
— bear
I cried at the end of the poem. Beautiful child. Beautiful.
— Ajambo
fantastic! was in my favourites but can't see any comment of mine down there. i must say, again, simply fantastic. i love. 18-20, and can relate to it. if not for myself, for many people i know. the "best" people seem to be alone a lot.
— photobooth
haha, i can see what you didnt like pieces of mine.
this is quite impressive. your order and placement is exceptionatly well.
same time i understand what this means.
— joewaysack
this is life embodied. beautiful.
— 1994
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