poetry critical

online poetry workshop



homeless
peanut

They asked me
 1
ever so politely
 2
(when I grew up)
 3
who I wanted to be.
 4
 
 
I smiled:
 5
"I am going to be
 6
a rude, prejudiced,
 7
homeless man
 8
who's never finished school.
 9
I am going to
 10
inhabit your neighborhood,
 11
talk to your kids,
 12
and defy every single rule.
 13
I'll shout the 'truth' to every ear
 14
upon my park bench pedestal."
 15
 
 
You'll thank me
 16
'cause you'll see
 17
(while they are small)
 18
your kids will learn to hate
 19
 
 
that homeless man--
 20
                             me.
 21

if we were all sucessful we'd never see the consequences of our mistakes

5 Sep 04

Rated 7 (7.3) by 4 users.
Active (4): 6, 7, 7, 7
Inactive (2): 8, 9

(define the words in this poem)
(28 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

Hey, at least you're a homeless dude that writes good poetry. Pretty please use proper capitalization, though, it's really getting to me. You must've been a handful as a child. .:6:.
 — FangzOfFire

thanks for the comment, Fangz. I will capitalize.
 — peanut

L13--'Single'
L15--'Pedestal'

Thank you. You have temporarily restored my faith in this site and fresh poetry. Should l20 read 'that homeless man', as in reference to the crazy weirdo that does all that weird stuff? It just makes it more specific. I enjoyed reading this thoroughly, and am adding it to my favourites list. Well done, I am quite happy right now. Love the footnote too.
 — wendz

haha, thouroughly enjoyable and TRUE! i liked it.



"dash itol bazil! we got another one!!"
 — stainedsteel

thanks, wendz. I like the sound of "that" a lot better in line 20. like: that crazy guy over there...haha

seems like I can count on the three of you for your help and comments on all of my poems.

I wrote this from the top of my head (perhaps I should do that more often). less profound then I'd like....but still somewhat moralistic.
 — peanut

lines 6-18: should I write them in slang for more of that "livin on the street, no school" effect?
 — peanut

I don't think that those lines should be changed. The persona sounds intelligent, just stating simple facts. Readers can apply a lot of their own experiences to this. I read it as a sort of joke, but someone else might read a story of society's corruption and inherent stupidity into this. Lol..a lot of the stupid stuff I write gets more comments than stuff I've worked on a fair bit too.
Peace.
-wendz
 — unknown

yer right. a perfect one dimensional portrait of a homeless person.
bin homeless? think not
 — unknown

Irony, my dear.
 — unknown

are you calling me dear?
 — unknown

HOORAY FOR CAPITALIZATION!!! Don't change to slang, the person sounds too intelligent for it.
 — FangzOfFire

Again, irony"dear".
 — unknown

unknown: i don't know what you are trying to get at. I understand the irony...I don't know why you keep poking a stick into a dead fire.
 — peanut

it's funny cuz ur not exactly a man...lol
 — sassybnyss

no one ever says "homeless woman"
 — peanut

*heart peanut*
I still find this way cool.
 — wendz

aww...i got hearted! :o)
I'm glad you like it so much.
 — peanut

this poem was boggeling 8)
 — unknown

hey, I think you just may be the best poet i've seen on this site. I haven't found a poem of yours I haven't liked........YET!

Although, this one wouldn't be quite the same without the footnote....
 — mr_e

haha

well thank you, mr. e. if you find one that you don't like, be sure to write a lengthy explaination on how it could be better.
 — peanut

yea, homeless woman sounds retarded.  homeless chic sounds hot though, lol.  but then it would be of something entirely different.  oh, and l3, would you want to make grew present tense?  just a little pondering thought.
 — sassybnyss

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