poetry critical

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I could feel it as soon as I opened my mouth.
no snow, and the wind reaching towards you,
hungry tendrils dirty hands.
words stumbled from my lips
to sleep in air fragmented
like children's puzzle pieces.
you could feel it as soon as you spoke.
letters slid from your mouth
through woolen scarves and windstained lips
to mingle on wet cobblestones.
old city.
we were breathing crude smoke
and I was the chemicals
twisting down your velvet throat.
crude smoke, and I was hands clasped,
frozen fingers forming steeples.
crude smoke, and I was white wash hanging
like ghosts on the line,
each one calling someone else's name.

16 Jan 07

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This is fabulously engimatic.  The voice is both sensual and distant, and the full, natural sentences of the first two stanzas make it seem like the reader is part of the poem, listening.  Excellent work.

I'd onyl suggest that the third stanza loses a little bit; "velvet throat" seems a bit poetic, which would be fine except that the finish seems a bit grammatically crunchy.  I can't explain this well, but it reads like "we were... AND I was... I was... each one."  The last line kindof supports a shift to a plural, which seems off.  There are any number of possible tweaks; deleting the final line would work, rewording line 15 to read "and I stood with hands clasped" would work... hmm.  I tried to explain and failed, damn.

Still, this is excellent work, very engaging.  Thanks bunches,
 — mikkirat

No, no, I get what you mean. At least I think I do.

I'm gonna try and rework it. What you said makes sense. I feel like maybe those lines are pushing it off track a little bit. Thank you so much for your help.
 — the_recluse

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