| friend, when we become as close as family |
lai
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friend, when we become as close as family,
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1 |
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take a part of your earth
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2 |
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& I will,
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3 |
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with God-fingers, attach
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4 |
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and press it to the concave of my waist,
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5 |
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and smooth it into the surrounding skin
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6 |
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until the gray clay becomes flesh
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7 |
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until it becomes muscle- until it is
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8 |
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a muscle that tenses when I bend
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9 |
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and relaxes when we release
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10 |
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when it is all
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11 |
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release.
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12 |
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19 May 06 |
Rated 7 (7) by 2 users.
Active (2): 6, 8
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(29 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
Interesting - rough title, though. I feel like L08 is unnecessary. The peice becomes weaker as you read - perhaps rethink L11 and 12. Room for improvement, but a good start.
— WordsAndMe
This is intriguing; I like the voice, both distant and intimate, and I particularly appreciate that the poetic voice does not get judgmental or explicatory. "Attach" in line 4, while working well with "earth" and the stacatto pace of line 3 ("and I will"), it seems a bit weak, though, like the poet just chose whatever word was handy in an effort to move on to writing the rest of the poem. A break for breath (i.e., punctuation) might be necessary somewhere between lines 7-10, but this is lovely work.
Thanks,
— mikkirat
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