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friend, when we become as close as family

friend, when we become as close as family,
take a part of your earth
& I will,
with God-fingers, attach
and press it to the concave of my waist,
and smooth it into the surrounding skin
until the gray clay becomes flesh
until it becomes muscle- until it is
a muscle that tenses when I bend
and relaxes when we release
when it is all

19 May 06

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Interesting - rough title, though.  I feel like L08 is unnecessary.  The peice becomes weaker as you read - perhaps rethink L11 and 12.  Room for improvement, but a good start.
 — WordsAndMe

This is intriguing; I like the voice, both distant and intimate, and I particularly appreciate that the poetic voice does not get judgmental or explicatory.  "Attach" in line 4, while working well with "earth" and the stacatto pace of line 3 ("and I will"), it seems a bit weak, though, like the poet just chose whatever word was handy in an effort to move on to writing the rest of the poem.  A break for breath (i.e., punctuation) might be necessary somewhere between lines 7-10, but this is lovely work.
 — mikkirat

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