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The Hat
mitchl

When just a boy, more babe than brat,
 1
I crushed the brim of my fathers hat.
 2
Too young for words or common sense,
 3
he scowled at me in the present tense.
 4
 
 
The sound was clear the meaning not,
 5
I could not breathe, I gasped alot.
 6
This giant man, his hand a fist,
 7
twas open then he would insist.
 8
 
 
The hat looked odd upon his head.
 9
His teeth were white, above my bed.
 10
He hummed a tune but would not speak,
 11
just kissed me gently on the cheek.
 12

25 Aug 06

Rated 7 (7) by 2 users.
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Comments:

Very nice ending...you built up anger in the father but then demonstrated well that he-- as all fathers should--forgave his son.

I liked the message, but hmm...line 4...Was present tense mentioned because it was relevant, or because it rhymed?
Why did you break my hat?
Why are you breaking my hat?  
The second one is present tense and just doesn't seem to fit. Why would someone say that. I'm probably missing something here.

Wait, perhaps this is what you mean.
You were an idiot. (Past)
You're being an idiot. (present) I do see now. I would just considering altering that perhaps because it adds little to the poem really.
And "twas" was something else that irked me. It's so old fashioned, and the rest of the poem doesn't really seem to be. Well, except for the use of babe in that sense...that's pretty old-fashioned, though brat I don't think is. Now I'm rambling.
I liked the poem and how it rhymed. I applaud you for that. Good work.
 — MrChris

Line 3 - too young, not to young.
Who was too young?  This sounds like it's your father but that must be wrong.

Okay, I tried to read it and although I see you're trying to be funny, you just are not.  It's not easy to read, especially the second stanza.

It sounds as though you wrote it quickly, to have a poem to post, with no real thought as to point, clarity, etc.  Slow it down, take your time, make it good.  
 — Isabelle5

I agree with Isabel, this is a poem that takes effort to read.  I'm not sure if it's the word choice or what.

Once I got through it I like the idea and the story.  That part is well done, it's not too abstract and has a nice length.

Line 3 too not to.
 — propoet50

Thanks for all the comments. I wasn't trying to be funny. Heartwarming, nostalgic, corny, perhaps but not funny. I was trying to capture a vague memory, either as an adult or as the child. Maybe both. Little ones don't have words yet so I meant the child. Ditto with the common sense. The second stanza is actually
why I like this little poem. Regarding the old fashioned language...This poem took place in; 1-my mind, 2-in the 20's or earlier,3-in the present. I was lying in a bassinet. (crib) Bassinet? now there is an old fashioned word. Darn I should have used it. :) But it may not have been me, and it surely was my Grandfathers hat, since he gave it to me years ago and I still wear it sometimes. In fact I was wearing it when I wrote this. I do appreciate the thoughful suggestions. I may not use all these suggestions to change this poem but I will remember them for my next. Thanks
 — mitchl

I absolutely loved this/  and "he scowled at me in the present tense" was my favorite line.  I love the playful rhyming, (doesn't take itself too seriously)
Isabelle is right, correct Line 3 from to to too.  
 — unknown

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