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Part 2- The Sinking Ship
horsetheband

Ascending, above the clouds,
 1
the sunlight envelops a cold, lonely world,
 2
hope lies defiantly on the horizon,
 3
calling out to the sailors aboard the dying ship,
 4
"the lifeboats are lost!" a detached voice declares,
 5
the voice is lost as the waves swallow each vocal chord,
 6
drowning humanity with the force of all the world,
 7
chaos erupts,
 8
and devours the horizon,
 9
"we drown together!"
 10
we die alone.
 11

16 Nov 06

Rated 6 (6) by 4 users.
Active (4): 5, 6, 6
Inactive (0): 7

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Comments:

If the sun is ascending (don't need a comma after ascending), how is it enveloping the world?  This poem is missing some pieces, just like many old boats.

Please fill in the missing pieces and let the reader in on the secret.  You need stronger punctuation in this piece, as sentences are running into each other in random order, making it tough to make sense of where you go.
 — Isabelle5

Your name made me laugh but the poem is miserable as hell.
Meep
 — unknown

pweety pweety pweety sigh!
 — unknown

Thanks for the help... I changed "into" to "above." I'm not sure about the sentences running together part... can you elaborate? And to the person below her is it miserable in a good or bad way?
 — horsetheband

not as strong as the other
maybe i think this because i feel
that you shouldn't tell that a voice is strange
but make it sound strange through what it says and how

the imagery is not as bold either
and i like imagery bold as a whore

the two part below ground : above ground
idea is nice however
 — bettalpha

this is good too! i think it should be Descending, from the clouds. i think i get you what line 2 conveys but it portrays an image far away. you are made to see that image from a distance which takes you away from the central idea where the ship is sinking. i think the first part of the poem needs a lil editing. again you end the poem abruptly here however here it does suit the poem since death can be abrupt too. you may consider revising.
 — trochee

There are 8 more parts to this...should I post the rest?
 — horsetheband

that depends on you though each part should be a seperate poem
 — trochee

better than part 1!
 — balancing

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