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Meaningless Love Poem.
forevergone

I want you to stay,
 1
but I feel as if I hold you back
 2
from exploring the world.
 3
((exploring the women))
 4
I mean how can you be with ONE person,
 5
for the rest of your life?
 6
There's that girl over there...
 7
way prettier than I.
 8
 
 
I don't know how often I should say,
 9
"I love you".
 10
I mean...
 11
                    I just want to say it every 10 seconds.
 12
But would you be a n n o y e d?
 13
     I would.
 14
Of course, thats a silly question.
 15
 
 
For example,
 16
when you talk about something 'REALLY' important, I just want to scream my brains out by saying "I LOVE YOU!"
 17
 
 
Maybe I ask for too much.
 18
How much is enough?
 19
Please tell me.
 20
I've been trying to caclulate how much love
 21
i've been giving you.
 22
I think i'm running out.
 23
So if you wouldn't mind...
 24
I'd like to have some of it back.
 25

16 Jan 06

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Comments:

Got better as it went on. Nice.

x
 — musicwords

i agree with musicwords, this got better as i read on...

you seem to be inconsistent in your capitolisations of "i"... either make them all lower case or upper case...

L10, get rid of the space before the "I", its a little distracting :P
for lines 11-13, maybe play with the format.. it would be interesting to see something like:

I mean....
            ;          &nbs p;          &nb sp;          I just want to say it every 10 senconds.
But i would be annoyed....
            ;          &nbs p;          &nb sp;          Would you?

or something to that effect, to get a mirror off of the elipses used and create more of a pause by simply using spacing...
L15 "you're", it's a little wordy in here, try and condense it a little, or make another line break.
L18 i dont think the comma is necessary, nor are the capitols...
L20-24 wonderful ending!
this is a great start, with a little work around the edges this could be even better.
 — gears

ignore all of these weird symbols... haha
 — gears

slow and boring, where's the action!!!!!!
 — unknown

I took gears advice. I changed around some of this poem. Take a look.
 — unknown

Changed, Comment and rate? =D
 — unknown

nice
 — unknown

i like the first verse. and the last. the middle bothers me... it kind of just rambles on and it just seems very "non-poetic".. i dunno.
 — x2jocelyn2x

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