poetry critical

online poetry workshop



He Commands you Slither (revised)
yesterday

an invisible grip
 1
though my back
 2
a black hand
 3
gripping a ball of light
 4
over my belly
 5
and under my heart
 6
struggling and struggling
 7
such a desperate effort
 8
 
 
 
 
"NO" they shout
 9
Radiance in gaps!
 10
Radiance in gaps!
 11
"What will we do,
 12
The Lord shines through!?"
 13
 
 
 
 
 
 
Slither away
 14
 
 
    oh shameful beast
 15
 
 
... just, ... slither away
 16



a revision. old version still up. not much changed, just removed the "suspense" lines.

28 Aug 05


(define the words in this poem)
(8 more poems by this author)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

Not crap! Eliminate ! after through (!)

What will we do?
The Lord shines through.
Lines 14-16: Would you consider a snake shape for visual interest? Otherwise, I don't think you need those last lines. They're kind of an afterthought.

Very interesting powm. I'll be back to rate.
 — unknown

sli
   ther
          aw
           a
            ;  y
            ;   o
            ;    h
            ;   s
            ; h
          a
        m
      e
        l
         e
           s
            ;  s
           c
         r
       e
    a
       t
         u
           r
            ; e
 — unknown

thanks for those thoughts ;)
 — yesterday

Newest (expand)
Recently Commented (expand)
  • i know its been said, but don't show your poems to your wife
  • interpretation of dreams
  • Anticipate Surrender
  • Daddy, I'm Not A Little Girl Anymore
  • i never wanted to be a poet
  • Go On
  • To b vulnerable
  • Quiet
  • My poo.
  • Season of democracy
  • heavenwhite
  • The Quiver
  • " Have a Merry Ending . . . "
  • Sister's Here
  • i write best in the early morning
0.511s