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My Turn
shortee

dont let an abusive father control your life. tell someone and they can fix it. they can help, just find that strength hidden below all the pain and the courage will shine through.

what am i doing?!
 1
letting my anger loose
 2
get it under control,
 3
no more abuse
 4
i fall to my knees begin to pray,
 5
i look around and my room is grey
 6
getting darker by the second,
 7
i see your face,
 8
then i see satan
 9
and my life's a disgrace
 10
the room is black
 11
darkness now rules over all
 12
i feel something drag me,
 13
it drags me and i fall,
 14
i fall to the ground
 15
i officially black out
 16
i wake up and notice
 17
the cuts and feeling of doubt,
 18
i didnt make these cuts
 19
all i've made is scars
 20
someone is hurting me,
 21
i'm locked behind bars,
 22
i look to God,
 23
hoping to see his face
 24
but all i see is you
 25
instead of God's grace,
 26
i'm imagining things
 27
going insane,
 28
let go of me now!
 29
only i can cause myself pain,
 30
not you,
 31
you have no control,
 32
the demands control you,
 33
to break my soul
 34
i will no longer take any commands from you,
 35
because a father is something
 36
you'll NEVER amount to,
 37
so leave me here
 38
to pick up my life,
 39
piece by piece
 40
be quiet now,
 41
its my turn to speak!
 42
it's my turn now to get away,
 43
it's my turn now to live one more day
 44

15 Jan 07

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Comments:

does no one like this poem....comments would be much appreciated. thanks
 — unknown

This poem isn't by one of the ones in the clique, like isabelle5, so nobody will view it. But it is a good poem and deserves some review.
 — unknown

Sorry, but I am part of no clique.  

This poem is rather anxious and emotional, which can be good if you can keep it coherent, also.  I believe that this would be much better if you cut ruthlessly, get rid of lines that are just emotion with no purpose.  There is some redundancy and it's easy to get so involved with the emotion that you forget that not everyone will be able to keep that anger and intensity going as they read.

Punctuation would help.  Without it, this seems out of control.  Your anger and intensity, presented with control, would give this much more power.  The poem is written as though you are not in control at all, only wishing to be.  
 — Isabelle5

k well i added punctuation in. This poem was very emotinal when I wrote it. Thanks for realizing that it had more potential as long as I let it. thanks for the help. and what about this "clique?" not getting that....started posting my poems here so I could get some advice....and how will it help me if theres a clique and nobody reads my poems....
 — shortee

Quit changing them! put them as you orginially wrote them shortee!
Love it still, but i prefered your orginal, not sure why.

-Harrison
 — unknown

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